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Sunday, March 30, 2008

"Disorder in the Court"

I got this in my mail some time last year and would have totally forgotten all about it had not insan Rae Ann Banggawan forwarded it to my gmail account just a few hours ago. For those who haven't read this yet, enjoy. For those who already have, well just fake the merriment by spelling out L-O-L. I wonder if some wit out there is about to publish a Pinoy version of the book?

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year old, how old is he?

WITNESS:Uh, he's twenty-one.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: You're kidding me, right?

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you s____n' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?


WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:Was this a male or female?

WITNESS: Guess.


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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?


WITNESS:No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?


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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh... Are you qualified to ask that question?


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ATTORNEY: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.


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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible he could have been alive and practicing law.


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